Bossing: when no one believes you – violence from the executive floor

According to Forbes…

• 66% of bosses are bullies
• 61% of targets remain silent
• 22% of coworkers turned a blind eye
• 64% of bullied employees lost their jobs when they tried to end the harassment

For example one in three Germans and, according to other studies, one in three people worldwide, experience it: Bossing. Bullying by an executive. Violence in the workplace. This is hardly known because this behaviour is usually tolerated, often even encouraged, by the company. At some point, the bosses are at the end of their tether – and usually on long-term sick leave. They are later dismissed. Problem solved.

Or???!!!

The more one endeavours to influence others through violence, the more clearly he shows that he does not carry reason and love within him or does not know how to apply them.

Friedrich Schleiermacher

Bossing. The little sister of bullying. Or: Emotional violence from the highest level.

Almost imperceptible at first. And out of nowhere: in the eye of the raging sandstorm.

And then: right in the middle of it. Sand is scattered in your eyes. So that you can no longer see clearly. Small, subtle attacks. First: now and again. Weeks in between. Then: every week. Every day. Then again: nothing. For a long time. Until it starts again.

It’s so subtle that you usually don’t notice it yourself. Then you think again: ‘The manager somehow had a bad moment.’ But then you realise: ‘The manager has several bad moments. Days.’

Because he or she usually picks out ‘one victim’ and is very friendly to everyone else in the team… (gaslighting), nobody notices this behaviour. And if they do, then ‘he’s just having a bad day.’

At some point, you realise that he is only ever ‘in a bad mood and shouting at you’ – or is exercising subtle control, which he then accuses you of at some point.

Bossing can take many forms, from obvious attacks such as shouting and insults to more subtle forms of manipulation and control. Employees first start to feel uncomfortable, then later unappreciated, rejected and isolated. The effects are immense. Emotionally as well as physically. From stress and anxiety to physical symptoms such as insomnia and high blood pressure.

A major problem with bossing is that it is often difficult to prove. People who experience bossing usually feel powerless and then helpless. Nobody believes them. Hopelessness drives them into depression and trauma – and makes them even more ill.

Trauma creates trauma.

Bullying is the worst way to degrade a person.

Franz Schmidberger

Bossing = power plays and abuse

Bossing is characterised by power dynamics in which the superior abuses their position in order to control or manipulate others. Bossing, as a special form of bullying, aims to make others feel small in order to feel big themselves.

As a manager in a corresponding position, this is of course an easy game. As a superior, I can theoretically and practically very subtly

• control
• order
• criticise
• expose
• instruct (unrealistic) goals

They will not notice for a long time. Especially not my ‘victim’. By the time he realises, endless subtle harassment has already taken place – without me writing it down (the challenge of providing evidence).

Again as a small overview:

• Bossing = bullying by superiors = “Office cancer“
• It includes harassment, unethical and harmful behaviour
• Forms: excessive criticism, unfair treatment, public humiliation, unrealistic targets
• mostly subtle

The many faces of bossing

Obvious forms of bossing:

• Excessive criticism: Constant, exaggerated criticism of an employee’s work, often without constructive feedback.
• Public humiliation: Hurtful comments or behaviour aimed at embarrassing an employee in front of colleagues.
• Unfair treatment: An employee is treated unfairly or unequally, often for no apparent reason.

Subtle forms of bossing:

• Unrealistic goals: Setting goals that are intentionally unattainable in order to burden or discredit the employee.
• Excessive workload: An employee is constantly burdened with more work than they can handle, often without additional support or resources.
• Isolation: An employee is excluded from important meetings, projects or social activities

Psychological forms of bossing:

• Manipulation: The supervisor uses their position to manipulate or control the employee.
• Intimidation: The supervisor uses their position to intimidate or instil fear in the employee.
• Harassment: The supervisor harasses the employee, whether verbally, physically or emotionally.

The dilemma – when no one believes you

66% of people who have been bullied have experienced their manager as the perpetrator of bossing.

In the world of bossing, one of the biggest obstacles victims face is the feeling that no one believes them. This dilemma is profound and has a devastating impact on the self-esteem and well-being of those affected. Not to mention the impact on corporate culture and the economic impact on the organisation.

The fear and isolation of victims

Bossing creates an atmosphere of fear and isolation. Victims feel helpless and alone, especially if they believe that no one recognises or understands their experiences. Out of fear, they withdraw, isolate themselves – and are then also seen as ‘weird’. And of course this affects their (professional) performance as well as their personal relationships.

Fear also usually leads to victims remaining silent. Fear of retaliation if they report it, and the well-founded fear that they will not be believed. A cycle of silence and suffering – difficult to break.

The difficulty of finding support

Another major problem for victims of bossing is the difficulty of finding support. Colleagues and people close to them are unaware of the extent and impact of bossing and are therefore unable to provide the necessary support and understanding.

Not all companies have reporting procedures – for example via a works council. In other companies, these reporting procedures do exist. But does anyone use them? Too great is the fear of being ‘shown up’ after all (sometimes the superior is ‘friends’ with the works council…), of having to ‘prove’ oneself and the situation endlessly, fear of having one’s words twisted around in one’s mouth (perpetrator-victim reversal) and being exposed to further harassment.

The stigma associated with bossing in the workplace does the rest. The ‘victims’ rightly fear being seen as weak or as the problem.

The dilemma – the feeling that nobody believes you – is not only one of the most painful experiences a victim of bossing can have. It usually creates further traumatisation (secondary victimisation) in addition to the bossing experienced (and probable traumatisation (PTSD = post-traumatic stress disorder)).

Bossing – a problem of not knowing about personal wounds and self-leadership

Why people engage in bossing or bullying is very clear to me: they feel worthless (deep down).

In most cases, there are traumas and deep wounds that underlie this, even if they often don’t realise it. This is the real problem. Because unconsciousness does not protect people from acting out old wounds. And it usually affects those who have nothing at all to do with these old wounds (although it also triggers old wounds in the ‘victims’).

Traumatised people traumatise (other) people. And that is exactly the case here.

So here we have the constellation of a perpetrator (the line manager who carries out bossing) and the victim (the employee who experiences bossing). This is the basic situation from the drama triangle.

But how can such a situation arise?

Old wounds and traumas lie in our cells. They not only shape us, but also guide us – like a red thread. Since old wounds and traumas, if they are not conscious or are conscious and have never been dealt with, still guide us – they ‘seek out’ a similar situation as before. This is because a) this means security for us (even if it was/is not healthy) and b) we psychologically hope for a ‘happy ending’.

‘Happy ending’ means, for example, that the child who always waited for the father to come home to play, but who always came home late and was then drunk – still hopes internally that it would have a different outcome (i.e. the father who comes home early and is happy to play with his child).

This is a simplified representation of our inner images, experienced hurts and silent hopes.

So if, for example, the supervisor experienced as a child that his sister was always perfect, simply the role model and model child in the eyes of his parents, then this probably led to the supervisor feeling disadvantaged as a little boy. He was not allowed to show his anger, because then the parents imposed restrictions on him.

So he bottled up this anger and learnt to put on a good face. Inside, he hated his sister. Because she made him look ‘small’ and inferior (in his eyes).

He takes this inner anger with him. Into his adulthood…

… He becomes a boss.

Finally. he is ‘big’. Is seen. Recognised. He is ‘who’.

He has an employee. Very accomplished. Very fast. Perfect. She is different. Different from him. She says what she thinks. He would like to be like that too.

Differentness causes alarm in the body – it is perceived as a threat

There it is: the trigger. He (probably) doesn’t realise it.

But this employee… drives him to white heat. Although he doesn’t know why. He feels inferior to her. He just doesn’t realise it.

He projects all his inner – formerly childlike – anger onto her, consciously or unconsciously: because she ‘makes’ him small (again)… and catapults him back into his childhood.

And that’s why he has to fight it. He can’t help it. He doesn’t want to be the victim again! All the anger, the anger from back then, is activated again. Again – he can’t show it openly. So he does it covertly… He becomes the perpetrator.

His old pattern and the traumas he experienced turn him from victim to perpetrator (‘Now I’ll show you all!’).

The ‘victims’ – A deeper look at those affected by bossing

When we talk about bossing, in addition to the ‘perpetrator’, there is also the ‘victim’ of this harmful behaviour.

A person becomes a victim when they find themselves in a situation in which they are abused, manipulated, harassed or otherwise treated unfairly and are unable to effectively defend themselves or change the situation. In the context of bossing, this happens through emotional abuse and harassment on the part of the superior.

The clear imbalance of power between the perpetrator and the victim also plays a role here. The perpetrator, often a superior or boss, uses their position and (usually) borrowed authority to control or manipulate the victim.

But what is the reason for this?

People who fall into this victim role are not always – but very often – already characterised by their history. They usually already ‘know’ the role of the victim. This may be because they were exposed to bullying as a child or because they are open-minded people who rarely set boundaries.

Various other aspects and experiences from childhood can play a role in how susceptible a person is to bossing or other forms of abuse or bullying later in life. Here are some other possible factors:

• Lack of self-esteem: If children are constantly criticised, devalued or ignored, they can develop low self-esteem. This can make them more susceptible to bossing in adulthood as they may find it harder to stand up to unfair treatment.
• Conflict avoidance: Children who have grown up in an environment where conflict has not been managed in a healthy way or where they have learnt to avoid conflict may find it difficult to stand up to bossing in adulthood.
• Lack of boundaries: Children who have not learned to set healthy boundaries or whose boundaries have not been respected may have difficulty standing up to assaultive behaviour in adulthood.
• Traumatic experiences: Traumatic experiences in childhood, such as the loss of a parent, frequent moves or other destabilising events, can cause a child to have difficulty forming safe and healthy relationships, which can make them more vulnerable to bossing in adulthood.
• Early abuse or neglect: Children who have experienced abuse or have been neglected may be more vulnerable to further abusive situations in the adult world, as they may have learned that such behaviour is ‘normal’.

It is important to emphasise that these factors are not set in stone and do not mean that someone will necessarily become a victim of bossing. However, they can increase the risk and are important aspects that should be considered in the prevention and treatment of bossing.

Fighting bossing in companies? No way. The key is: self-awareness and reflection

From my own experience and from the stories of my clients, I know that companies are full of bullying and bossing. The management wants to stop this or ‘fight’ it. These are the classic management strategies. They are aimed at ‘fighting’ something: fighting corruption, bullying, bossing… War – in the broadest sense.

But in view of the mostly unconscious, inner-psychological issues described above, this is not only far too short-sighted, but often ineffective. Why? People who are still at war within themselves and with themselves (even unconsciously) cannot live in peace – neither with themselves nor with others. Not because they don’t want to – but simply because their nervous system doesn’t allow it.

From the perspective of the role of our nervous system and clinical experience with underlying traumas, my approach is quite different: recovery – from the inside out.

Recovery involves individual people and then from there: healthy organisations (organisations are also just a collection of many people). If each individual takes care of their own inner psychological issues and heals, then the entire organisation can heal. Abusive behaviour then no longer has a chance or is no longer practised at all – because everyone has their own awareness.

From the inside out means: coming to terms with it. Self-reflection. Going into silence. Being with yourself. Trauma therapy, coaching, mentoring – personal development. I’m not writing this because I happen to be a therapist and systemic coach 😉 No. Quite seriously.

THAT is the game changer. THAT is THE key. Not just for people in leadership, but for all people. This is self-responsibility that has been developed and practised.

Because if you can’t lead yourself, you can’t and shouldn’t lead other people. That is simply not possible!

This path of realisation is a process – layer by layer – and can of course take several months or even years. Once the foundation has been laid, the journey continues – in the realisation of who you are and why you behave the way you do.

This is the key to successful leadership and down-to-earth leadership. This is also the key to eliminating bossing from the structures of organisations (…).

I support both: people who have experienced bossing (and re-traumatisation) as well as people in leadership and companies who want to find the solution within themselves.

A culture of fear in companies – the invisible shadow

It prevails in most companies and in very large parts of society: the culture of fear and fear-mongering. A symptom of severely insecure people who want to have some sense of control.

In the corporate context, it is always ‘too little’ – and it has to be more: Turnover, profit. ‘Too little’ energetically always means = lack = fear.

Fear itself is a human emotion. It prevails if we don’t face it and get to the bottom of it. It takes over our thoughts and feelings when we (unconsciously) feel insecure, inadequate and worthless. Then the basic feeling is: IT is never enough.

And that is why it is immensely important to FIRST choose therapeutic counselling and work through one’s own anxiety (and we all have it) BEFORE anyone else is allowed – and able – to lead others.

How does a culture of fear develop?

A culture of fear is the culture of a society or organisation in which fear and insecurity are spread. People react – quite normally – with fear – and therefore think and behave differently than when they are safe. This culture can manifest itself in various areas, for example in politics, in companies, in schools and in personal relationships.

A culture of fear arises from within and is projected onto the surrounding environment. Our own insecurity, mistrust and fear become insecurity, mistrust and fear of negative consequences – first in departments, then in the company. This culture later becomes visible, for example, through strict hierarchies, a lack of communication, unclear expectations or the fear of losing one’s job. In politics, the culture of fear manifests itself through the dissemination of information that fuels fear, propaganda or fear-mongering about social or economic change.

What does a culture of fear do to people?

Fear – creates fear.

The effects of a culture of fear are devastating on both an individual and collective level. On an individual level, it leads to stress, anxiety, panic attacks, depression and a feeling of complete helplessness. Not to mention the physical effects such as heart palpitations, gastrointestinal issues, often strokes or heart attacks and even more severe effects, including complete exhaustion.

It naturally reduces a person’s performance, creativity and well-being. When people are anxious, they are distrustful – and no longer work together, they don’t trust each other. There are arguments and mistrust – and this low energy then characterises the department or a company (and of course the family too, because we take this energy with us).

What promotes a culture of fear in the company?

• Rigid hierarchies: A strict chain of command – with tools such as performance appraisals – and little room for dialogue or dissent create an atmosphere of uncertainty and fear.
• Lack of communication: A lack of open and honest communication can lead to insecurity and fear. If employees don’t know what is expected of them, or if they are unsure of how their performance will be evaluated, they can live in constant fear of making mistakes or failing.
• Lack of support: If employees feel that they do not receive support when facing problems or challenges, this can contribute to a culture of fear. They may feel that they are left alone to deal with difficult situations, which can lead to stress and anxiety.
• Retaliation and punishment: If employees feel that mistakes or criticism are met with retaliation or punishment, this can lead to a culture of fear. They may be afraid to make mistakes or express their opinions, which can lead to an atmosphere of silence and oppression.
• Bossing or bullying: Bossing, the bullying or harassment of employees by their superiors, is a common cause of a culture of fear. Employees who experience or observe bossing can live in constant fear that they could be next.

As a result, the culture in the company can and must also change: From fear to a culture of trust.

Jumping over your own shadow of fear: Working on your own wounds is the key

However, this cannot be achieved through externally organised workshops, discussions or ‘lunch with the boss’. It can only be achieved through self-recognition and trauma work on one’s own wounds individually within the entire management team. The first step that most managers have to face is their own resistance to starting such a personal therapeutic process.

This decisive step – working on yourself – lays the foundation for your own health – and that of the organisation.

I provide professional support through personal processes, as well as through processes in a corporate culture of fear – and look forward to every person – and every company – who wants to move this ‘big wheel’.

I look forward to a personal meeting or an enquiry by e-mail.