Attachment – The invisible thread that shapes us: 3 strategies for healing

Bonding, integration and birth determine the course of our lives.

Otto Pötter

We living beings all need attachment, otherwise we die. Bonding is what keeps us alive. What sustains and connects us. What gives us the basis for our lives.

If we have already experienced attachment in the womb (e.g. by stroking the belly, singing to the child, looking forward to the new arrival…) and later as a baby and toddler, this shapes us for life.

How deep this goes – and that the experienced or non-experienced bond is the basis for our later behaviour – is something that nobody normally thinks about.

The little child’s hunger for his mother’s love and presence is as great as his hunger for food (. . .)

John Bowlby

What is attachment anyway?

I describe attachment as a deep emotional bond that a person feels and forms with another person. This bond between living beings is particularly deep in experienced trusting relationships, such as between parents and their children (not always!), between siblings or romantic partners.

However, bonding goes much further and can also exist between humans and animals (“soul dog”), for example.

Attachment theory, which was originally developed by British psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby, states that the need for attachment is a basic human instinct. According to Bowlby, people, especially children, instinctively seek closeness to people who offer them security and protection.

From an evolutionary perspective, attachment served as protection against predators and was therefore essential for human survival. To avoid being “seen” as prey, infants and young children had to stay close to their mothers at all times and clearly communicate any separation (screaming/crying).

In his research, Bowlby explored why some people were “better” attached than others. From this, he developed various attachment styles that differ in the way they manifest themselves in relationships. These attachment styles are formed in childhood and strongly influence our behaviour as adults.

Attachment behaviour is any behaviour that is aimed at “seeking and maintaining the closeness of a supposedly more competent person, a behaviour that is most evident in anxiety, tiredness, illness and the corresponding need for attention or care.

John Bowlby

The core of bonding

What characterises attachment? When do we bond with people? What is important?

• Trust: Basic trust in the reliability and predictability of the other person is at the core of every bond.
• Security: A feeling of security and protection is fundamental to the development of a strong bond. This can be achieved through physical security, but also through emotional security.
• Communication: Open and honest communication fosters the understanding and intimacy necessary for a strong bond.
• Consistency: Regular and predictable interactions and responses – again promoting the trust and sense of security that are crucial for bonding.
• Empathy: Empathy and the ability to understand and respond to each other’s feelings and needs strengthens emotional attachment.
• Shared experiences: Time spent together and shared experiences, both positive and negative, can deepen the emotional bond between two people.

Trust, security and communication are particularly important for creating a bond. If just one of these elements is missing, this affects the entire bond and our ability to bond.

For example, if someone does not feel secure with someone as an adult, they will avoid the relationship as a result. It is irrelevant here whether the perceived insecurity actually exists – or whether it is experienced as insecure due to the person’s own attachment experience.

The development of attachment actually begins before birth, in the womb.

Prenatal

• The unborn child reacts to the mother’s voice and to touch.
• It can also react to the mother’s stress or tension, which can have an impact on later bonding.

Newborns (0-3 months)

• Respond to faces and voices, especially those of parents.
• Begin to develop confidence and security through consistent care and response to their needs.

Infants (3-6 months)

• Begin to develop specific attachments to primary carers.
• Show preferences for certain people and may show anxiety with strangers.

Babies (6-12 months)

• Develop a stronger attachment and dependence on primary carers.
• Begin to show separation anxiety when separated from their primary carers.

Toddlers (1-3 years)

• Begin to explore the world but regularly return to their primary carers for security and support.
• May have difficulty with separation or change.

Pre-school children (3-5 years)

• Beginning to become more independent, but still have a strong attachment and need for security from their primary carers.
• Beginning to form friendships and develop bonds with peers.

School children (5-12 years)

• Continued attachment to parents, but increasing importance of peers and friends.
• Begin to navigate complex social relationships and attachments.

Teenagers (12-18 years)

• Continued attachment to parents, but increasing independence and importance of peers.
• Begin to form romantic relationships and attachments.

Adults (18+ years)

• Bonds with parents may continue, but increasing importance of romantic partners and own children.
• Formation of long-term bonds and commitments, including marriage and parenthood.

The bonding system that develops in the first year remains active throughout life!

Karl-Heinz Brisch

And here lies the crux of the matter: the first year of life is immensely vital for later bonding and attachment skills! If this was not able to develop or if there were things that impaired healthy development, this accompanies the child – usually completely unconsciously – for the rest of its life.

In other words, it behaves in relationships in the same way as it (unconsciously) learnt at the time. For the child and today’s adults, this is “NORMAL”. But perhaps it is not per se, but he or she does not even realise it. It may be noticeable at some point that “all women are the same” or “everyone leaves me” or that you “always have clingy partners”.

Why this is the case is answered by the attachment experienced (or not experienced) at an early age.

For example, if a child doesn’t feel safe, it will probably find it very difficult to explore the world around it and learn new things. It simply does not feel safe. This considerably restricts their radius. If this child is now older, they will experience inner stress when faced with new challenges and changes when they are faced with something ‘new’. They will probably avoid this “new”, dream about it and stay in their comfort zone.

Why is that? This is answered by the different attachment styles.

Attachment styles: our individual, secret thread

I bind myself to someone if I trust them.

So far, so good. But what if this “trust” is something that actually has negative connotations?
This is exactly what happens to people who experienced violence as a child, for example, but had no choice but to let the perpetrator get away with it in order to survive. They become attached to the perpetrator in order to survive.

For people who have experienced this, attachment is often intertwined with violence – and “normal”. Later, they often unconsciously and consciously reattach to the same type of person – they “magically attract” them – because their attachment system automatically scans this type of attachment and perceives it as “familiar”.

This is called trauma bonding.
The four main types of attachment styles identified by psychologist Mary Ainsworth are

• Secure attachment
• Insecure-avoidant attachment
• Insecure-anxious attachment
• Disorganised attachment

Each of these attachment styles is characterised by certain patterns of behaviour and interaction in relationships.

Secure attachment style

It is to be hoped that every orchestra will have a strong bond with a conductor at some point. This is the only way to develop deep relationships that make the music possible and pass it on to the next generation of musicians in an orchestra.
musicians of an orchestra.

Kent Nagano

Everything is clear between them: they met in kindergarten. They got married and built a house. Everything was always fair, there were never any arguments, a dispute was discussed and ended very quickly at eye level, there is no jealousy, no drama, no surprises. They are the ideal couple for many people.

I keep hearing from my clients that they want a stable and calm relationship. But when they look around and meet someone like this in their life, it usually just becomes the “good friend”. Nothing more.

But this person would be the “right one” – the one with a stable and secure attachment style.

That’s how it is with desires and reality: the desire is there – but your own attachment system finds this guy “boring”. Sure: there’s no “drama”, no action or arguments where the plates fly. Just stability.

This “boring” attachment style is the Secure Attachment Style. It is said that about 50% of people have a secure attachment. I doubt that and think that insecure attachment is on the rise. This attachment style is simply boring for people who are insecurely attached (unconsciously). Securely attached people don’t “need” a partner. They also do not believe that they are not good enough. They also don’t need anyone for their ego. They are simply content.

Avoidant attachment style (attachment anxiety)

Come here – go away. You’re most exciting for me when you’re not within my reach.

I really want you – and when you come to me, I’m… gone!

It is a fallacy that avoidant people don’t have a relationship. They often have one – and at the same time they avoid it.

The avoider is a person who wants nothing more than a loving relationship. But. They can’t stand it. And that’s why they take refuge: in work, in affairs, in (extreme) sport, sometimes in alcohol…

He avoids the bond. The one he so desires. His independence is sacred to him.

He simply can’t do it. So close. He or she doesn’t realise this. To the outside world, he is usually a workaholic, working his arse off “for the family” – this is the – socially recognised and appreciated – excuse. It is one. An excuse.

Because the behaviour is a means to an end, to avoid commitment. Quite secretly, so to speak, and officially “sanctioned”.

If an affair is discovered, “I didn’t mean it that way” or “It wasn’t serious” is often a very honest statement. Because the affair was just one thing: avoiding a deeper bond with your partner.

People with an avoidant attachment style are usually not happy: because the deep bond… they lack it.

To compensate for this emptiness, they numb it: with work. With extreme sports. With alcohol. These are the most common coping mechanisms – the distraction manoeuvres of one’s own psyche to “cope” with inner stress.

Avoidant people usually meet people with…

Anxious attachment style (fear of loss)

… and let the Dance begin…

Avoidant and anxious… the toxic classic. Drama, loud arguments, plate throwing, hot (reconciliation) sex, endless romance at the beginning, “fighting” for each other, big plans for the future…

Until the anxious one is too anxious (“Where are you? When are you coming home?…) and the avoidant one… seeks the distance. Until he or she is too far away again… then the dance starts all over again…

Excursus On-Off

This relationship dynamic can be found in a pronounced form as an on-off-situation relationship in the so-called “dual souls”. Ultimately, this term is used to describe this unhealthy relationship dynamic. In my opinion, this term is misused in spiritual circles – and people are driven into hope – and thus into an absolute standstill in development (he/she will get in touch again…). Out of sheer hope (from once unhealthily learnt attachment), anxiously attached people cling to the last straw in the on-off: hope. Usually with traumatic consequences or complete re-traumatisation.

In “normal” relationships between an avoidant and an anxious person, it can look like this: There is little closeness or closeness is followed by (strong) withdrawal (“a lot to do”). These relationships often resemble a limited company, with clear responsibilities and duties. I have also heard expressions such as: “Everyone does their own thing” or “She doesn’t bother me.”

The anxious partner is usually the one who wants to clarify things immediately or wants confirmation (“Do you still love me?” “Do you find me attractive?”). He is deeply insecure and usually doesn’t feel his own worth. He usually feels very deeply and clings to his partner.

B U T !

In this relationship dynamic, the fearful is one side of the coin – and the avoidant is the other… which is why these two magically attract each other…

That means: BOTH are avoidant AND anxious at the same time. Everyone lives one side of the coin. Which can also turn…

For example, if the anxious person suddenly becomes “strong and independent” (for example through coaching or their own therapy) and develops and thus becomes more secure and free. This then triggers the deeper fears of the avoider, who now becomes a (clinging and jealous) anxious person. The chance is now real that the anxious person could perhaps be “gone” and no longer “needs” him.

The wound of the two – is the same. It is just lived out differently in each case.

Disorganised attachment style

This type of bonding was only added to the bonding strategies as a classification much later. It is the least common type of attachment at 10 – 15%. Here babies and small children react completely “strangely” (crying when they are held or running to their parents and standing still with a blank face while running – frightened and freezing).

The attachment figures are both a terror and a protection for the child. This type of attachment is traumatic and in 80% of cases is caused by emotional and/or physical abuse or violence by a partner against a parent.

Later adults usually have to struggle with post-traumatic or complex post-traumatic stress. In the most unfavourable case, a so-called borderline disorder can develop.

Attachment styles were once protective strategies

Attachment styles that we exhibit as adults have their roots in our childhood and were originally protective strategies that helped us to survive and thrive in our environment.

The protective strategies that lead to different attachment styles are diverse and complex. They develop in response to the way in which primary caregivers (usually parents) react to a child’s needs.

• Secure attachment: Children whose needs are met consistently and lovingly usually develop a secure attachment style. Their protective strategy is to be open to closeness and support because they have learnt that others are reliable and helpful.
• Avoidant attachment: Children who experience little or no response to their needs can develop an avoidant attachment strategy. Their protective strategy consists of emphasising independence and maintaining emotional distance in order to avoid disappointment or rejection.
• Anxious attachment: Children whose caregivers respond inconsistently to their needs may develop an anxious attachment strategy. They tend to be overly clingy and worried that others will abandon them. Their protective strategy is to constantly seek reassurance and security to avoid rejection or neglect.
• Disorganised attachment: Children who have had traumatic or frightening experiences with their caregivers can develop a disorganised attachment strategy. They may display contradictory behaviour because they both seek and fear closeness. Their protective strategy may consist of using unpredictability and chaos as a means of coping with uncertainty and fear.

These protective strategies are often effective in childhood, but can lead to challenges in relationships in adulthood if they are not recognised and addressed.

Singles: How can I heal – and become secure in my commitment?

After the end of a relationship, it can be a challenge to pick yourself up again – and perhaps finally find the path to your own healing.

If the relationship was characterised by insecurities and instability that made it dependent and even addictive – the journey is twice as long. Firstly, the addiction must be overcome.

The important thing is that the end is an opportunity. It may be a great disappointment – and therefore the end of the deception.

Time for growth and change – by recognising your own part in this relationship. By recognising and addressing your own attachment style, you can begin to heal old wounds and establish healthy relationship patterns.

This process takes time, patience and often professional support, but the result – a more secure attachment and the ability to build more fulfilling relationships – is well worth it.
Be grateful – for this opportunity (which you might never have discovered otherwise…).

And now? There are the first steps:

• Build your cocoon: Being alone is important for your healing. Here you only look after yourself. You learn what is important to you and what exactly you need to live a relaxed life
• Set boundaries: What doesn’t feel good for you? Leave it. What kind of people do you no longer want in your life? Say goodbye to them. It is important that you learn to know your boundaries – and to communicate them.
• Learn to trust and communicate: Trust yourself. Slowly trust another person. Slowly. Say what you want – and what you don’t want.

Your nervous system can learn that drama is not the same as “great love”. It can learn that your “addiction to drama” only shows one thing: emotional dependency. You can break through this strategy – and learn that things like…

• do healthy shopping for yourself
• cook nutritious food (nourish yourself)
• look after your plants
• feel which sport is good for you – and make time for it
• paint a little and be creative
• start coaching or therapy – and enjoy this support
• be alone with yourself, write, read and notice the little things…

… simply do you good and bring peace and relaxation.

Only then… when you are completely satisfied with yourself and your life… when you enjoy the time with yourself… when you are free from “needing” (“I need someone to be happy…”)… only then… are you – very slowly – ready for a new connection.

I often have clients who come out of such a “drama-heavy” disaster and ask: when will I meet someone new? I can only say: when you’ve got off your merry-go-round – and healed (otherwise you’ll attract drama again… for sure). And that can take a while…

Couples: How do we get out of the drama – and change our bonding dynamic to “securely bonded?

If you live together, healing becomes a little more complex. With awareness, commitment and often professional support, couples can step out of the drama – lift the carpet of small and big secrets – and change their relationship dynamics towards a more secure bond.

A secure bond and open communication make it possible to support each other, resolve conflicts constructively and build a deeper, more fulfilling – and genuine – connection.

How can you get out of the drama? If both partners are on the same page: perfect! I can only give one tip from my own experience: Get a couples therapist or couples coach. Why? Because you’re simply too “stuck in it” yourself – and you don’t have an outside perspective. I always recommend personal coaching for both partners separately plus couple coaching over an individual period of time.

• Start your personal coaching
• Start your couple coaching

Here you will learn, among other things: Awareness and understanding, communication, trust and security.

These are elementary elements – and they have usually been “mis-learnt” in different attachment styles. This can be un-learnt and re-learnt.

I wish you – and you both – wonderful insights along the way.

Christine

I support you – and you as a couple – individually online and on site here in Palma.