Ever heard of emotional dependency?

Dependency is often associated with alcohol, smoking, or drugs. But dependency has many faces.

It can be substance-related (substances such as alcohol, drugs, tobacco…) or non-substance-related. It is always based on an old wound, which is usually unconscious. Dependency is not a phenomenon of so-called “marginalized groups” in society—it permeates the entire society, usually without those affected being aware of it.

Emotional dependency is one of the non-substance-related dependencies.

Take Klaus (name changed by the editors), for example – a successful businessman in his forties. At first glance, he leads a highly successful and, for many people, enviable life: a promising career, a large circle of friends, and a loving partner. But deep down, he is consumed by fear – fear of being abandoned and left alone if he fails to meet the needs of everyone around him. This constant worry and the constant urge to seek external validation, to “chase” recognition, are typical of emotional dependency.

Emotional dependency is an imbalance in which you make yourself dependent on other people because you don’t feel good enough about yourself. It is important to understand that this type of dependency is not based on mutual understanding and support, but on completely identifying with another person and being dependent on that person’s well-being. Unlike obvious addictions such as alcohol or drugs, emotional dependency often remains hidden—both from those affected and those around them.

The hidden mechanisms and causes of emotional dependency are manifold. How can you recognize them—and how can you free yourself from an endless cycle of neediness and insecurity?

The crux of the matter is that emotional dependency is very subtle—and often those affected are not even aware of it.

Here, we look at how healthy self-esteem can be developed—with fulfilling and independent relationships. The depths of a subtle addiction that no one sees and that affects so many.

Understanding emotional dependency

Emotional dependency is an addiction that is usually not visible. It is deeply rooted in the psyche and behavior of those affected. It manifests itself, for example, in the form of an excessive need for emotional validation and support from outside sources. One’s own well-being and self-esteem depend heavily on this. Unlike obvious addictions such as drug use, emotional dependency often goes unrecognized—even by those affected. This is because it often masquerades as normal interpersonal needs and is woven into socially accepted behaviors.

Emotional dependency – the “invisible addiction”

The term “invisible addiction” aptly describes the dynamics of emotional dependency, which often goes unnoticed and yet can have a profound impact on a person’s life. The term “invisible” helps to better understand the extent and complexity of emotional dependency.

Parallels to substance dependence

Covert behavior: As with many addictions, emotional dependence can be subtle and chronic. Those affected are unaware that their behavior is driven by an unhealthy need for validation and security, similar to someone who turns to a substance (e.g., alcohol) to alleviate emotional pain.

Loss of control: People who suffer from emotional dependency often experience a loss of control over their emotions and behaviors in relationships. They feel compelled to seek validation or chase after people even though they know it will not work, similar to the compulsive craving for an addictive substance.

Emotional and psychological effects

• Emotional highs and lows: Dependence on the approval of others often causes extreme emotional fluctuations. When the desired confirmation is received (such as a “like” under a post or a message from a dating partner), those affected often experience short-term relief and euphoria; however, if this does not happen, it can lead to intensified anxiety or depression, comparable to the highs and lows of substance addiction.
• Reinforcement of dysfunctional patterns: The constant search for external validation (yes, “likes” are part of this…) promotes a cycle of dependence and inadequacy. These dysfunctional patterns can intensify and lead to self-esteem becoming increasingly tied to the opinions of others, similar to the development of tolerance in addiction.

Social and interpersonal dimensions

Impaired relationships: Like addictions, which affect not only the individual but also their environment, emotional dependency places a considerable strain on relationships. Partnerships, friendships, or family relationships can be strained by an unbalanced need for validation and attention, leading to destructive patterns similar to those seen in substance addiction.

Isolation and shame: The “invisible” nature of emotional dependency leads to feelings of shame and isolation. Those affected often feel alone because the dependency is not obvious and the desire for emotional validation is often not considered “problematic” in social terms.

Emotional dependency means that you make yourself emotionally dependent on others. Your own well-being is strongly dependent on whether you are loved and validated by others. This dependency is often based on childhood experiences or existential experiences in earlier times. As a result, this person has learned that they only feel secure and valuable when they receive validation from others. This addiction is difficult to recognize because it develops very slowly and profoundly. Many people do not even notice that they are too fixated on what others think of them and how they treat them.

In my practice, this statement is commonplace: “What will the neighbors think…?”

I have also accompanied people who were pathologically fixated on their partner, thus turning the relationship into a co-dependent one (“I need you to be ‘who’ I am”). Slowly, this dependence spread like poison through the relationship, which eventually became untenable after one partner realized what was happening.

What was initially believed to be “love” quietly turned into dependence.

Dependency has nothing to do with love, but is a repetition of unmet needs in childhood, for which the partner bears NO responsibility—and should not be allowed to bear any (in order to establish a healthy relationship, it is necessary to be able to “hold oneself” without any dependent components).

Why emotional dependency is often overlooked

Emotional dependency is a type of behavior that often goes unnoticed, even though it deeply affects a person’s emotional and social fabric. There are several reasons why this form of dependency often goes unrecognized.

Social norms and expectations = The sick society

• Cultural and social acceptance of dependency in relationships: In many cultures, the pursuit of close emotional bonds in interpersonal relationships is viewed positively. Romantic ideals that glorify intense emotional connection often unconsciously promote dependency. This social acceptance makes it difficult to identify problematic behavior and distinguish it from healthy emotional closeness.
• Socially “normal” behavior: Emotional dependence is often perceived as “normal relationship behavior” (for me, it is toxic behavior in a sick society), especially when there are no obvious negative consequences in everyday life. Unlike physical or substance addictions, which have clearer symptoms and consequences, emotional dependency manifests itself in more subtle forms that normally attract less attention.

Lack of conscious awareness

• Familiar patterns: For many people who grow up in environments where emotional dependency is a normal part of relationships, such behaviors seem unalarming. These familiar patterns are rarely questioned and are often accepted as normal dynamics within relationships.
• Lack of physical symptoms: Because emotional dependency does not cause physical withdrawal symptoms or visible signs like other addictions, it often goes undetected. The effects on emotional well-being often manifest only internally and can easily be dismissed as minor emotional fluctuations.

Psychological aspects

• Denial and shame: People suffering from emotional dependency often do not recognize the extent of their situation, partly due to denial or a lack of awareness of the underlying problems. In many cases, it is also shame that makes it difficult for those affected to recognize their need for emotional validation as problematic.
• Complexity of emotional needs: Emotional needs are multifaceted and personalized, which makes it difficult to recognize unhealthy patterns of dependence. Individual desires for closeness and support can vary in intensity from person to person, making generalization difficult and the identification of abnormal behavior seem difficult.

Signs and symptoms

The most common signs of emotional dependence include:

• Insatiable need for validation: The constant desire to be “seen” or praised. Recognition through social media posts or public displays (e.g., of the relationship).
• Excessive conformity: Avoiding genuine connection with oneself and others by making extreme compromises to avoid conflict.
• Discomfort when alone: Feeling uncomfortable or even anxious when unaccompanied.
• Neglecting one’s own needs: Tending to neglect one’s own desires and needs in order to please others.
• Loss of personal identity: You lose yourself in relationships and neglect your own identity.

These symptoms are often overlooked or dismissed as “normal” relationship problems. However, this makes them invisible and the addiction (= the SEARCH) remains undetected.

Healthy relationships:

• are based on mutual respect and independence
• promote personal growth and offer room for development
• help you not only to become dependent on your partner, but also to remain independent and continue to develop

Emotional dependence:

• is characterized by over-adaptation and control needs
• leads to sacrificing one’s own self in order to “save” the relationship
• creates a feeling of constriction in relationships

Recognizing these differences and being aware of the symptoms is an important first step. This allows you to recognize emotional dependency for what it is: a subtle but powerful addiction that profoundly affects the lives of those affected.

Causes of Emotional Dependency

Emotional dependency is deeply rooted in our psychological experiences. It results from a complex interplay of childhood experiences, trauma, and our attachment styles. These factors lay the foundation for a pattern of seeking affection and validation in our relationships.

Childhood experiences and trauma

• Attachment styles: Our early childhood attachment to our primary caregivers has a lasting influence on our relationships in adulthood. A securely attached person develops healthy and stable relationships. A woman whose parents were emotionally stable and always available will be more likely to be able to build a relationship based on mutual respect and trust. In contrast, someone who grew up in an environment where their parents were unpredictable and emotionally distant may develop an excessive need for validation and closeness in their relationships (insecure attachment).
• Traumatic events: Trauma, especially in childhood, influences how we experience relationships and behave in them. An example of this is a person who witnessed domestic violence in childhood. These experiences have shaken their confidence in stable relationships, so that as an adult, they have difficulty allowing emotional closeness without becoming dependent on their partner in order to feel secure.
• Parental influence: Parents who themselves experience emotional challenges unconsciously pass on behavioral patterns to their children. For example, someone whose parents had high academic expectations and offered little emotional support may develop a strong need to please others later in life in the hope of receiving the desired recognition. This inner drive can lead to a constant need for validation from the partner in close relationships.

Social and cultural influences

In addition to individual psychological causes, social and cultural factors also play an important role in the development of emotional dependency. The way cultures define and regulate relationships and emotional needs can either reinforce or challenge the tendency toward dependency.

How different cultures can promote or discourage emotional dependence

• Collectivist vs. individualistic cultures: In collectivist cultures, such as Japan or India, the well-being of the community often takes precedence over individual needs. Take Aiko from Japan, for example: her cultural upbringing teaches her to put family first and personal desires second. This can promote emotional dependence, as personal interests and independence take a back seat to harmony. In contrast, in the US, a more individualistic culture, personal development and independence are encouraged, which encourages people to prioritize their individual needs, as in the case of John, who lives in the US and sees his own career and self-fulfillment as a priority.
• Cultural norms and beliefs: Different cultures have different expectations of relationships. In Latin America, where romantic love is often experienced intensely, Maria may expect her partner to show her affection constantly and prioritize spending time together, which can reinforce emotional dependence. In contrast, in Northern Europe, where pragmatism and emotional distance are more typical, someone like Erik might place more value on individual freedom within the relationship.
• Media and social narratives: The media plays a central role in shaping societal ideas about relationships. South Korean dramas, for example, often depict self-sacrificing love stories, which can lead viewers like Ji-woo to develop an irrational idea of romantic relationships that promotes emotional dependence. On the other hand, the Western trend toward relationship advice and personal success stories, as shared by influencers on platforms such as Instagram, can motivate people to greater emotional independence in relationships by focusing on personal development and self-acceptance.

Emotional dependence is complex. The first imprint is formed in early childhood and is further shaped by personal experiences and our social and cultural contexts.

Emotional dependence from a polyvagal perspective

The polyvagal theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, is based on the findings of our autonomic nervous system. This perspective helps us understand how our autonomic nervous system, especially the vagus nerve, controls our attachment behavior and emotional responses.

The role of polyvagal states

Emotional dependency from a polyvagal perspective

The polyvagal theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, offers fundamental insight into the biological basis of emotional regulation. Polyvagal theory examines the role of the autonomic nervous system, particularly the vagus nerve, in regulating our emotional and social behaviors.

The Three Branches of the Vagus Nerve

1. The “green area” – the ventral vagus: This part of the nervous system is crucial for our sense of security and social connectedness. In people who are highly emotionally dependent, this component can become overactive, creating an excessive need for social validation and closeness. The ventral vagus supports positive social interactions and plays an essential role in how we feel safe and secure in relationships.

2. The “yellow area” – the sympathetic branch: In situations where emotional support is unavailable, a person who is emotionally dependent may enter a state of fight-or-flight response controlled by the sympathetic nervous system. This often manifests as anxiety, tension, and an urgent need to seek support from caregivers in order to regain a sense of stability.

3. The “red zone” – the dorsal vagus: In situations of deep emotional distress or when the need for attachment is not met, a response may occur that is accompanied by withdrawal, numbness, or a feeling of hopelessness. This immobilization reaction can cause people to remain in a state of powerlessness and dependence on others, making it more difficult for them to break out of unhealthy relationship patterns.

Applying polyvagal theory to emotional dependence

For example, when people quickly fall into the “red zone” in stressful situations—and “become children” who “need” something from others—it is helpful to know how to deal with this state of distress in order to defuse the internal emergency and gently bring the nervous system out of the emergency zone and into a more regulated state.

Therapeutic techniques that aim to calm and balance the nervous system, such as breathing techniques, movement therapy, or mindfulness practices, help to modulate the response to fear and subsequent dependency.

Emotional regulation is important for everyone. Ensuring emotional stability yourself, rather than being overly dependent on validation and connection from others. The polyvagal perspective thus offers a valuable approach to strengthening emotional resilience and building healthier, more balanced relationships.

Effects of Emotional Dependency

Emotional dependency can have far-reaching effects on personal well-being and interpersonal relationships. The persistent tendency to seek validation and support primarily from others can lead to serious challenges on both an individual and relationship level.

On personal well-being

Mental health effects such as anxiety and depression: People who are emotionally dependent often experience inner turmoil when they feel insecure in their relationships. This insecurity can lead to constant anxiety and feelings of not being loved or appreciated enough. Such emotional states can escalate into more serious mental health problems in the long term. For example, Lisa, who is heavily dependent on her partner’s validation, may develop anxiety in the event of conflict or distancing, which escalates into depressive behavior because she feels inadequate or unwanted.

On relationships

Examining the impact on relationships, leading to cycles of neediness and resentment: Emotional dependence can reinforce cycles of neediness and emotional resentment in relationships. If one person constantly seeks emotional reassurance, this can overwhelm their partner and cause them to withdraw. Sarah and Tom, for example, are in a relationship where Sarah constantly seeks reassurance, which Tom finds stressful over time because he feels he cannot meet her expectations. Ultimately, this cycle can lead to both parties becoming dissatisfied—Sarah because she doesn’t feel loved enough, and Tom because he feels emotionally burned out.

Long-term consequences

The long-term consequences of emotional dependency can be significant. Individually, people can develop chronic relationship patterns characterized by low self-esteem and dependency. At the relationship level, ongoing dependence can lead to exhaustion and ultimately to the breakdown of the relationship, as partners eventually become unwilling or unable to bear the emotional burden. Furthermore, the constant quest for validation can prevent the affected person from recognizing and realizing their full potential, as their self-esteem remains closely linked to the opinions and approval of others.

Overall, it is clear that emotional dependence can not only impair current well-being, but also negatively influence long-term developments in relationships and personal growth. Awareness of these potential effects can be the first step toward more self-determined and healthier relationship patterns, both with oneself and with others.

Recognizing emotional dependency in yourself and others

It is crucial to recognize emotional dependency early on—whether in yourself or others—in order to take proactive steps toward a more balanced emotional life. The ability to identify emotional dependency can not only promote personal growth, but also improve the quality of relationships.

Suggestions for reflective questions or tests to identify emotional dependency: Self-reflection is a first and important step in recognizing emotional dependency. The following questions can help you assess yourself:

• How do I feel when my partner or friends don’t have time for me?
• Do I feel that my self-esteem depends heavily on the approval of others?
• Do I constantly seek the attention of my partner or friends?
• How do I deal with conflict or rejection? Do I feel like I am “less valuable” without the approval of others?
• In addition to these questions, online self-assessment tests can be a useful tool for gaining insight into personal behavior patterns and emotions that could indicate emotional dependency.

Diagnostic criteria or perspectives of therapists and coaches: In addition to self-assessment, professional evaluation also plays an important role. Therapists and coaches use various diagnostic criteria to identify emotional dependency. They consider aspects such as:

• The intensity and frequency of conflicts regarding emotional needs within relationships.
• The extent of emotional stress and unrest that results when the affected person feels alone or abandoned.
• Behavior such as constantly seeking approval or fear of abandonment can serve as indicators.
• Therapists and coaches offer valuable insights through their objective perspective and experience, helping to uncover unhealthy relationship patterns. They may also suggest specific therapeutic approaches such as cognitive behavioral therapy or EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing), which have proven useful in addressing emotional dependencies.

Recognizing emotional dependency, whether through self-reflection or with professional help, is key to personal growth and improving interpersonal relationships. It not only enables greater emotional well-being, but also supports the development of healthier and more authentic relationship patterns.

Strategies for Overcoming Emotional Dependency

Overcoming emotional dependency is an essential step toward emotional freedom and healthier relationships. Both therapeutic interventions and self-help techniques can play a crucial role in this process. The goal is to strengthen personal independence while promoting the ability to provide healthy mutual support in relationships.

Therapeutic approaches

Role of therapy, including EMDR, Safe and Sound Protocol (SSP), and systemic therapy: Therapy can be an effective means of overcoming emotional dependency. Different approaches offer different tools and perspectives:

• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing): This approach in my practice helps to process traumatic experiences that can reinforce emotional dependency. By processing unprocessed traumatic memories, emotional responses can be reshaped.
• SSP (Safe and Sound Protocol): An approach that I also work with. The Safe and Sound Protocol, developed by Dr. Stephen Borges, is based on polyvagal theory. It gently recalibrates the nervous system. This special music supports emotional stability and promotes a sense of inner security, which is crucial for developing healthy independence.
• Systemic therapy: This approach considers the affected person in the context of their relationships and family patterns. It examines how these interactions can promote emotional dependency and develops healthy relationship dynamics.

Self-help techniques

Mindfulness, yoga, and other practices that promote independence and emotional health:

Self-help techniques are an important part of building emotional resilience, but should be discussed with a therapist, as meditation, for example, can re-traumatize traumatized people, just as an overly intense yoga class can be completely counterproductive for people who are in survival mode.

• Mindfulness: Through regular mindfulness exercises, you learn to stay in the present and not let your emotional reactions depend on external circumstances.
• Yoga: A regular yoga practice not only supports physical well-being, but also emotional balance. Yoga helps to calm the mind and strengthen the connection to oneself, leading to increased self-awareness and inner stability.
• Journaling and reflection: Regular writing can help you recognize and reflect on emotional patterns. It provides a space to express thoughts and feelings and better understand which behaviors need to be strengthened or changed.

Building healthy relationships

Tips for promoting interdependence instead of dependence

Changing the dynamics within relationships is another step toward overcoming emotional dependence:

• Boosting self-confidence: Set yourself smaller, achievable goals. Focus your confidence in your ability to be independent by taking small steps, for example by pursuing your own interests outside of the relationship.
• Communicating needs: Practice communicating your needs clearly and respectfully, without fear of rejection. This helps to reduce misunderstandings and set healthy relationship boundaries.
• Balance between closeness and independence: Foster a relationship that allows for both closeness and individual freedom. This means supporting each other without infringing on each other’s personal space.

Role of a support network

A strong support network, a community of supportive people, is an essential part of overcoming emotional dependency. Both the community of friends and family and professional support are important in promoting the healing and growth process.

Importance of community

How friends and family can support recovery

Friends and family play a crucial role in supporting the journey to emotional health:

• Emotional support: Loved ones can provide a stable source of emotional support by showing empathy, actively listening, and adopting a non-judgmental attitude. This form of support is crucial as it provides a sense of belonging and understanding.
• Promoting independence: Family members and friends can encourage the development of independence by encouraging the pursuit of personal interests and strengthening self-confidence. Positive feedback and encouragement to make independent decisions are valuable elements of this process.
• Practical help: Sometimes practical support, such as help with everyday tasks or encouragement to participate in social and leisure activities, can make all the difference and reduce the isolation that can often reinforce emotional dependence.

Professional support

When to seek outside help

Professional support is often necessary because there are usually underlying issues involved that can lead to “relapses” into old patterns.

• Therapeutic need: Emotional dependency is usually only one issue. Chronic feelings of anxiety or depression often accompany this problem.
• Crisis intervention: In cases of intense relationship conflicts or personal crises – for short-term security and long-term solutions.
• Long-term development: Even if there is no acute crisis, regular work with a therapist or coach can help to deepen understanding of stubborn patterns and achieve lasting changes in personal and interpersonal behavior.

Challenges in overcoming emotional dependency

The path to overcoming emotional dependency is fraught with numerous challenges. I always compare this path to a hero’s journey, in which numerous “tests” must be passed. Knowing the tests and obstacles and how to deal with them is a building block on your own path. Professional guidance on your journey is certainly a solid second building block.

Inner resistance and fears

• Fear of change: One of the biggest challenges is the fear of change. Emotional dependency, as dysfunctional as it may be, often provides a familiar structure, and leaving this comfort zone can cause anxiety for many people. The prospect of venturing into unknown territory can be daunting.
• Doubts about one’s own self-esteem: Low self-esteem is both a cause and a consequence of emotional dependence. The process of weaning oneself off the emotional support of others can reinforce self-doubt and undermine confidence in one’s own ability to be independent.

Interpersonal challenges

• Reactions from loved ones: Changing relationship patterns can be met with resistance from friends or family members who are accustomed to existing dynamics. Not everyone will react positively to the new autonomy you are trying to develop, and this can lead to conflict or feelings of rejection.
• Lack of support: Sometimes there is a lack of sufficient support networks to accompany the transition. The absence of emotional and practical support can hinder progress and increase feelings of isolation.

Relapses and patience

• Relapsing into old patterns: As with many other personal changes, there is always the possibility of falling back into old, familiar behaviors, especially in stressful situations. Recognizing these relapses as a normal part of the learning process helps to maintain focus on the long-term goal.
• Patience with the process: Recovery from emotional dependency is rarely a linear process. It takes patience to recognize gradual progress and accept that real change takes time and that occasional setbacks do not diminish overall growth.

I am Christine, a trauma and nervous system therapist specializing in highly functional and highly sensitive people with depression, burnout, or addictive behavior.

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I look forward to hearing from you.