A trauma-sensitive insight into vulnerable (or even hidden) narcissism

‘Not every narcissist loves applause’ – a different perspective on narcissism

The topic of narcissism is frequently discussed in the digital world, particularly in relation to well-known figures from politics and business leadership. In these descriptions, narcissists usually appear loud, arrogant, self-absorbed or manipulative.

However, in addition to this ‘loud type’, there is another – often underestimated, often unrecognised – variant: vulnerable, quiet (covert) narcissism. At first, these people often appear polite, friendly, perhaps even shy. But behind this façade lies a pronounced insecurity, fragility, intense fear of rejection and a chronic struggle for self-esteem.

In my daily practice, I encounter more and more people who – often only after a long time – realise that they are or were confronted with the subtle dynamics of a vulnerable narcissist. These are not people with the obvious grandiosity of a classic narcissist, but rather deeply sensitive, fragile, fearful of rejection, and chronically doubtful. The shadow, so to speak: vulnerable narcissism.

This often overlooked and usually very late or even undiagnosed form is not loud and intrusive. Rather, it manifests itself in inner pain, sophisticated avoidance strategies and constant crises surrounding one’s own self-esteem regulation. For those affected – and those around them – it often resembles an emotional rollercoaster ride: between a strong longing for belonging and recognition and the painful, constant feeling of never being good enough.

In the shadow of the much-cited ‘loud narcissism’, this quiet variant often goes unnoticed for a long time – and yet the effects on one’s own life and relationships are immense. What is really behind vulnerable narcissism? How do these patterns arise? And above all: What paths to understanding, self-regulation and mindful interaction are there – from a trauma-sensitive and nervous system-based perspective?

The two faces of narcissism: grandiose vs. vulnerable

Narcissism is widely known, but mostly in the form of so-called grandiose narcissism. However, there is also a completely different side to it. One that is not only less well known, but also less recognised as such.

Grandiose narcissism is the form most people are familiar with: people appear arrogant, demand attention, dominate conversations, like to be the centre of attention and present themselves as strong, confident or even superior.

Vulnerable narcissism, on the other hand, has a completely different face. Here, the focus is inward, and the experience is characterised by insecurity, a fundamental vulnerability and a deep-rooted fear of devaluation or neglect. Those affected tend to appear reserved, sometimes even shy, but inwardly suffer just as much from self-doubt and a need for recognition.

Both forms can overlap or alternate – and they are not always easy to distinguish at first glance.

Why the quiet version often remains unseen

Vulnerable narcissism in particular remains hidden for a long time, perhaps even for a lifetime, from others, but also from those affected themselves. While ‘classic’ narcissism is characterised by loud, conspicuous behaviour, the vulnerable variant usually remains in the shadows: conformity, a friendly façade or restraint serve as protection.

The causes often lie in biographical influences and attachment experiences in which one’s own needs and vulnerabilities were neither seen nor acknowledged. The result is an inner conviction: ‘I am not good enough. If I show my true self, I will be hurt or rejected.’

This creates patterns of invisibility, over-adaptation (people pleasing/fawning) and the constant attempt to first ‘earn’ a sense of worth. Often, it takes years of inner crises or recurring relationship problems to reveal that there is much more behind the adapted, sensitive façade than mere shyness or insecurity.

That’s why it’s worth taking a closer look at the ‘quiet’ side of narcissism – especially from a trauma-sensitive and nervous system-based perspective.

What exactly is vulnerable narcissism?

Vulnerable narcissism – sometimes described as covert or silent narcissism – differs significantly from what most people spontaneously associate with the term. While grandiose, extroverted narcissists often take centre stage, demand attention and demonstrate superiority, the vulnerable but highly manipulative variant usually hides in the background, seeking protection rather than the limelight, and remains unrecognised by many around them for a long time.

Scientific psychology describes vulnerable narcissism primarily through the following characteristics:

• Strong self-doubt and sensitivity – Those affected feel particularly vulnerable and dependent on external validation.
• Deep-seated feelings of shame and guilt – The feeling of not being good enough or of being ‘wrong’ often accompanies every area of life.
• Fear of rejection – Criticism or rejection are experienced as threatening and quickly lead to withdrawal, brooding or inner paralysis.
• Ambivalence in relationships – On the one hand, there is an intense longing for closeness, affection and validation, and on the other hand, a fear of genuine contact, disappointment or being overwhelmed.
• Subtle strategies for self-esteem regulation – Unlike ‘loud’ narcissism, protective and compensatory mechanisms are often concealed here: for example, through over-adaptation, passive-aggressive behaviour, emotional blackmail, self-victimisation or escaping into daydreams and fantasies of greatness.

The core of this dynamic: outwardly, this person appears to be well-adjusted or even insecure. At first glance, the typical ‘nice guy’. Internally, however, there is a constant struggle – between grandiose ideals and real self-doubt, between the need to ‘be seen’ and the fear of being exposed.

Vulnerable vs. grandiose narcissism: the most important differences at a glance

Grandiose Narcissism	Vulnerable Narcissism
Seeks open admiration	Seeks tacit acknowledgement
Dominant, extroverted	Reserved, introverted
Emphasises superiority	Emphasises vulnerability
Seldom shows self-doubt	Often masks deep doubts
Inability to accept criticism, defensiveness	Sensitive to criticism, withdraws

Important: This distinction serves as a guide; in reality, mixed forms are common and the extent of vulnerable aspects varies greatly from person to person.

Typical behavioural patterns of vulnerable narcissism

While grandiose narcissism is often recognised by obvious behaviours, the vulnerable variant presents itself subtly, sometimes literally ‘between the lines’. For those affected, as well as those around them (such as their partner), it is challenging to impossible to understand this dynamic.

Typical signs and behavioural strategies

• Excessive sensitivity: Even small signs of criticism, rejection or lack of appreciation lead to intense inner conflicts or withdrawal.
• Strong self-criticism & tendency to brood: Thoughts constantly revolve around whether one is ‘good enough’; mistakes are exaggerated.
• Fluctuations in self-esteem: Self-image fluctuates between a subliminal hope for recognition and a deep conviction that one will never be good enough.
• Neediness & covert search for validation: Instead of loudly demanding admiration, subtle attempts are made to fish for support, comfort or encouragement – for example, by playing the victim, deliberately recounting experiences of hurt or silently hoping for praise.
• Ambivalence in relationships: The desire for closeness is met with fear of exposure and hurt, which can lead to constant withdrawal, emotional caution and seemingly ‘inexplicable’ distancing.
• Perfectionism and over-adaptation: In order to avoid rejection, everything is done to meet expectations – even at the expense of one’s own authenticity.

Note: Many of these behaviours are often misinterpreted by those affected as ‘character weakness’ or shyness – but they are actually protective mechanisms of a stressed nervous system.

Protective shield in dysfunctional early relationships

Vulnerable narcissism does not develop by chance. It is always the result of a complex interplay between the environment, attachment experiences, internal processing and individually effective defence mechanisms. Contrary to popular belief, the ‘quiet’ narcissistic dynamic is not an innate personality trait, but rather a reaction to emotional trauma, sometimes experienced at a very early age, which has shaken a person’s sense of security and self-worth.

Attachment and childhood experiences

The foundation for healthy self-esteem is laid in early childhood. The first emotional attachment experiences are crucial: Are we seen, lovingly perceived, comforted and held in our feelings – or do we experience insecurity, rejection, emotional coldness, unpredictability or parental overload?

Children whose caregivers are emotionally unavailable or inconsistent often develop deep doubts about their own worth. They learn: ‘I have to adapt in order to be loved, I mustn’t stand out, I mustn’t be too needy, but also not too distant.’ This inner alertness often remains subliminal – even when the child is long since grown up.

A common biographical constellation among vulnerable narcissists is an early – often diffuse – experience of insufficient empathy, overprotection with little genuine reflection (‘you are only loved if you behave yourself’), emotional neglect, or even competition and devaluation dynamics within the family. Instead of security, permanent insecurity arises: ‘How do I have to be in order to be accepted?’

Trauma, vulnerability and lack of self-esteem regulation

Early or repeated experiences of shame, rejection, humiliation or emotional overload can deeply shake the child’s nervous system and thus also the development of stable self-esteem. This gives rise to a deep, often unconscious conviction: ‘The way I am is not good enough – or I am wrong.’ The fear of renewed rejection becomes a constant companion, the need for appreciation a never-ending quest.

This results in creative but painful protective strategies: conformity, withdrawal, brooding and internal and external over-adaptation to others. Instead of genuine self-regulation and self-acceptance, there is a permanent sense of insecurity that repeatedly surfaces in relationships, at work or in everyday interactions.

Polyvagal perspective: how our nervous system develops protective strategies

The polyvagal theory, developed by Dr Stephen Porges, provides a neurobiological explanation for why such patterns can become so deeply and unconsciously ingrained. Our autonomic nervous system – and especially the vagus nerve – is designed to create security: our system adapts depending on how much affirmation, affection or threat we experience.

If the system experiences stress, unpredictability or emotional deprivation at a young age or in recurring relationship experiences, the ability to self-regulate is insufficiently developed. The body develops protective mechanisms that later become apparent as over-adaptation, withdrawal, depressive episodes or even ‘quiet narcissism’.

The goal is to protect oneself – as flexibly and as well-adjusted as possible, but often at the expense of vitality, authenticity and self-acceptance. The old patterns remain active as long as the nervous system cannot experience secure attachment, belonging and genuine recognition.

Vulnerability in narcissism

Inner life and subjective experience

‘You’re so nice, so sensitive – but I feel like I can’t get close to you.’

People with vulnerable narcissistic patterns often hear feedback like this. However, their inner life is characterised by constant ups and downs: a vague feeling of always being ‘wrong’ or not good enough, struggling with themselves, the need to finally be truly seen and not abandoned.

Real-life example:

Anna, 37, stands out in her family not so much for her ‘big’ demands, but for her constant restlessness and self-doubt. She rarely accepts praise, and criticism hits her hard. Polite and helpful on the outside, she spends days at home brooding over a critical conversation. She prefers to wait until she is approached and constantly wonders whether she might come across as too demanding or unwanted.

The typical emotional rollercoaster:

• Fear of being exposed (‘if they realise what I’m really like …’)
• Shame about one’s own needs
• Hope of finally being validated, followed by disappointment or withdrawal
• ‘Devaluation’ of others as soon as she feels threatened – often not as an attack, but as self-protection

The role of shame, fear of rejection and invisibility

Vulnerable narcissists are dominated by the fear of being ‘too much’ or ‘too little’, of not belonging or of being shamed for their own neediness. The intense shame often leads to withdrawal, hidden suffering and invisibility, which may appear to others as conformity or restraint – but in fact conceals a deep need for security, acceptance and boundaries.

How can you recognise vulnerable narcissism (in yourself and others)?

Vulnerable narcissism often remains hidden for a long time – both from the individual’s own awareness and from those around them. The subtle patterns make it difficult for outsiders, partners, friends or colleagues to recognise the dynamics. But even those affected usually perceive their behaviour as shyness, hypersensitivity or “groundless” insecurity, without understanding the connection to deep-seated self-esteem issues.

Subtle signals and dynamics in relationships, at work or in families

1. Overly accommodating, friendly demeanour:

At first glance, people with vulnerable narcissistic traits often appear particularly polite, attentive and helpful. They avoid open conflict, adapt to their surroundings and always try to maintain harmony – out of fear of rejection and social sanction.

2. Strong withdrawal in the event of (perceived) rejection:

If criticism is expressed or the person feels that they are not being seen sufficiently, they withdraw, remain silent or suffer greatly from the situation without showing it openly. Subtle breaks in contact (e.g. suddenly ‘not getting in touch anymore’, passive distancing) are common.

3. Indirect search for recognition:

Instead of demanding admiration or openly putting themselves in the spotlight, their desire for validation tends to be disguised: as victimisation, chronic self-criticism, hints of being ‘overwhelmed’ or the desire to ‘finally be seen’ – without directly naming it.

4. Constant brooding and freezing:

A classic pattern is to dwell on one’s own impact, constantly reflecting on words and deeds in retrospect (‘Was I too demanding? Did I say too much?’). The person freezes emotionally and withdraws into themselves when insecurity or dissatisfaction arises.

5. Passive aggression and self-victimisation (victim mentality):

Criticism or disappointment are not actively addressed, but are reflected in a ‘bad mood’, withdrawal or small, subtle counteractions. Those around them suddenly perceive aloofness, indirect sulking or the ‘cold shoulder’ without really knowing the reason. Often, one’s own frustration is expressed with phrases such as ‘It doesn’t matter, I’m not important anyway’.

Typical patterns in everyday life

• Polite façade and perfect behaviour, especially in new groups or with important reference persons.
• Sudden withdrawal, silence or absence in groups when one’s own expectations of confirmation are disappointed.
• A lot of energy spent on outward appearances: The desire to behave ‘correctly’ or not to be a burden to anyone takes up a lot of space.
• Emotional blackmail or subtle accusations: For example, through implicit statements such as ‘You’ve disappointed me so much, I didn’t expect that from you’ – rarely said out loud, often as silent reproaches.
• Self-victimisation: The tendency to repeatedly put oneself in the role of victim in order to receive attention or comfort (sometimes without being aware of it).
• Difficulty making decisions and courageously expressing one’s own needs – for fear of attracting negative attention.

For relatives, friends and colleagues

If you sense that a person repeatedly oscillates between closeness and sudden distance, withdraws at the slightest irritation or ‘earns’ appreciation through indirect hints, a vulnerable narcissistic component may be at play. This does not imply malicious intent, but is rather an expression of a deep, unconscious protective strategy that the nervous system has ‘learned’ in order to avoid pain.

For those affected

Mindfulness of your own patterns is the first step. Do you feel that your self-esteem is extremely dependent on the reactions of others? That you seek closeness, but then quickly retreat or make yourself ‘invisible’ when you feel disappointed? Do you take insults particularly hard or brood for days over a small remark?

Recognising such patterns is not a sign of weakness, but the beginning of inner liberation and genuine development – especially when the dynamic is viewed with compassion and without self-judgement.

From the perspective of the nervous system: polyvagal theory and self-regulation

What happens biologically in stressful situations and relationships?

Our nervous system plays a central role in how we respond to social signals, closeness and even conflicts – this is especially true for people with vulnerable narcissistic patterns. The polyvagal theory (developed by Dr Stephen Porges) helps us understand why our reactions are not simply a matter of ‘character’, but are deeply rooted in neurobiological defence mechanisms.

The autonomic nervous system recognises within milliseconds whether a situation is safe or threatening. If interpersonal closeness – for example, through a critical glance, lack of recognition or subtle nuances – is assessed as a factor of uncertainty, our system reflexively switches to a protective mode: flight, fight or freeze. This usually happens completely unconsciously.

Fight, flight, freeze – and how ‘quiet narcissism’ arises from this

• Fight: In cases of overt narcissism, insecurity often leads to dominance, aggression and the devaluation of others. In vulnerability mode, ‘fight’ is less often loud, but rather manifests itself in subtle defence mechanisms: empathy, but also internal (sometimes derogatory) comments to protect oneself.
• Flight: Withdrawal, rumination and avoidance. The person distances themselves emotionally or physically to escape the (perceived) danger.
• Freeze: The protective strategy of freezing manifests itself in emotional numbness, the feeling of becoming invisible, or overwhelming states in which one is ‘paralysed’. Brooding becomes a self-calming routine.

People with vulnerable narcissistic traits in particular often find themselves – often imperceptibly – in the freeze or flight mode of their nervous system. The consequences are constant inner tension, difficulties in self-perception and the feeling of being overwhelmed by one’s own emotions.

Vulnerable narcissists and relationships

How vulnerable narcissism shapes relationships

Vulnerable narcissism is rarely just an individual issue. The often invisible protective patterns have a profound effect on romantic relationships, friendships, working relationships and relationships with children or parents.

• Approach and withdrawal: Relationships with vulnerable narcissists are often characterised by an interplay of closeness and distance. The strong longing for connection repeatedly collides with the fear of being hurt or overwhelmed. This leads to repeated cycles: intense connection followed by sudden withdrawal, ‘radio silence’ or subtle accusations.
• Unspoken expectations: Those affected often hope that the other person will ‘simply recognise’ their needs and respond to them. If expectations are disappointed, emotional crises arise – often without the other person even knowing what is going on.
• Feeling of misunderstanding: Misunderstandings accumulate – unclear communication and easily hurt feelings make it difficult to establish a stable basis of trust.

Typical cycles of rapprochement, withdrawal and conflict

Small insults or misunderstandings are enough to set off a chain of inner withdrawal, emotional distance or covert aggression. For partners or friends, this behaviour is often ‘puzzling’ because blame, accusations and victimhood can alternate at short intervals. Fear of losing control leads to subtle manipulation or the desire to blame others for one’s own emotional chaos.

Effects on self-image and joie de vivre

Life with vulnerable narcissistic traits is characterised by insecurity. The joy of life, the courage to develop oneself and to encounter others are hampered by constant inner alertness. Existing relationships suffer because genuine closeness can rarely be experienced without fear, and those affected constantly doubt themselves – a cycle that can lead to exhaustion, depression, isolation or psychosomatic complaints.

Contact with these individuals is often exhausting for those around them as well, because traditional patterns of help and solutions are not very effective and the recurring pattern of coldness and closeness is difficult to bear (on-off).

Setting boundaries – and maintaining them

Very few people with narcissistic patterns, whether grandiose or vulnerable, perceive these traits as a problem on their own. Often, the desire for change only arises when personal suffering becomes severe: for example, through recurring relationship conflicts, chronic overload or feelings of inner emptiness and exhaustion.

Recognition as the first step – when change becomes possible

Not everyone who has vulnerable narcissism recognises their own patterns immediately or wants to actively address them. But when the impulse for self-awareness grows, it is crucial to honestly confront one’s own traits. This is not about ‘healing’ in the sense of completely eliminating narcissistic traits, but about treating oneself with awareness and compassion.

Practical ways to practise self-reflection and self-care

• Psychoeducation: Understanding how defence mechanisms have developed can take away initial shame and resolve feelings of personal failure.
• Practise self-compassion, e.g. by taking short breaks, gently pausing or writing about inner feelings. Typical questions: When do I react particularly sensitively? Where do I feel this in my body?
• Mindful body awareness and breathing exercises help you to ‘come back to yourself’ in stressful or shameful moments.

Therapeutic approaches – and their stumbling blocks

If the willingness is there, systemic or polyvagal-informed therapy, EMDR or trauma-sensitive yoga can open up new perspectives and scope for action. Low-threshold offerings such as self-awareness groups can also be helpful in revealing patterns and enabling new experiences.

Important boundary:

The goal is not to ‘remove narcissism’ but to strengthen the ability to endure one’s own pain and insecurity. To make self-esteem independent of external validation. To experience new, secure relationships. Admittedly, this is very challenging in the ‘modern world of non-commitment’.

For relatives, (ex-)partners, colleagues – mindful self-care and healthy boundaries

Recognise that you are not responsible for healing someone else!

People in your environment (partners, family members, colleagues) experience this time and again: no matter how hard they try to be understanding or comforting, they are often subtly drawn into the role of saviour or punching bag in the crises of those around them.

Create clarity and set boundaries:

• Take your own perceptions seriously, don’t get caught up in endless blame, emotional blackmail or manipulation.
• Communicate your own boundaries gently but clearly: ‘I am here for you, but I cannot take away your insecurity / childhood trauma / inner emptiness.’
• Seek support from your own network or through professional counselling, especially if you are reaching your own limits (exhaustion, fear, anger, guilt).

Take care of yourself!

• Make sure you have regular periods of rest, reflection and regeneration – maintain contact with friends/family and pursue hobbies.
• Always extend your compassion to your own boundaries: empathy ends where self-respect is at risk!
• If necessary, seek out support groups where victims of emotional abuse or narcissistic dynamics can find support.

When professional help is advisable

When relationship crises become chronic, when emotional abuse, significant self-esteem issues, depression, anxiety or deep exhaustion occur, professional support is advisable – both for vulnerable narcissistic individuals themselves and for their relatives.

Can a vulnerable narcissist recognise themselves?

A fundamental characteristic of vulnerable narcissism is a high level of shame and defensiveness towards one’s own pain and weaknesses. Precisely because self-esteem is so fragile, an inner protective mechanism often develops: problems and emotions are projected outward (e.g. onto others) or kept hidden deep inside. The ability to reflect honestly on oneself – or even the thought that ‘I might have narcissistic tendencies’ – feels threatening to many sufferers and is very often not allowed.

Recognition is possible – but rarely spontaneous.

As a rule, pausing, recognising and accepting one’s own pattern only happens when the inner suffering becomes very great: for example, in the case of repeated relationship crises, social isolation, exhaustion, severe depression or when previous strategies (e.g. over-adaptation, withdrawal, projection of guilt) no longer work. Sometimes it takes a real break in one’s life, a concrete loss or the clear, loving reflection of people from one’s immediate environment.

Important:

Many vulnerable narcissistic people do not recognise their patterns on their own initiative. The ability for self-awareness may grow when security, empathetic support and sufficient psychological pressure come together and internal and external reasons invite honest reflection.

How do people in their environment recognise that they are dealing with vulnerable narcissism?

While classic narcissism is recognisable by its dominant, often hurtful and obvious behaviour, vulnerable narcissism usually remains invisible for a long time – even to those closest to the person. Precisely because the person affected appears to be very empathetic, helpful, sometimes even submissive, and often shows great understanding and a need for harmony at the beginning, it is difficult for relatives, partners or colleagues to detect the subtle dynamics.

Signs for people in the environment

• Emotional rollercoaster: Relationships with vulnerable narcissistic people rarely run smoothly. There are repeated inexplicable withdrawals, sudden coldness or distance, followed by a great need for closeness.
• Subtle blame: As a relative, you increasingly feel responsible for the other person’s well-being: ‘If you were more/different, I would feel better.’ This often does not happen in an openly demanding way, but very quietly, in the form of subtle reproaches, disappointment or withdrawal.
• Constant striving for harmony: Many relatives describe feeling that they constantly have to be careful not to hurt anyone or spoil the mood, because otherwise discomfort, withdrawal or ‘silence in the forest’ will follow.
• Own feelings of insecurity: The victim increasingly begins to doubt themselves: ‘Am I too “cold”? Have I done something wrong?’ Their own perceptions and needs are put aside in order to maintain the relationship.
• Loss of self-esteem and isolation: Over time, there is a gradual loss of self-esteem and sometimes also of social contacts, because every conflict and every distancing is interpreted as a personal weakness.

Why is this dynamic so difficult to recognise?

Because the mechanisms are mostly hidden, indirect and emotionally complex. The person affected keeps their vulnerability in the background through adaptation and suffering. Victims experience less dramatic, overt manipulation, but rather a subtle, permanent pressure to adapt and justify themselves. It is not uncommon for the suffering to only be recognised when recurring emotional exhaustion, confusion or a slide into co-dependency occurs.

What can help to gain clarity?

• Keep a log of your feelings: What do I regularly feel in the relationship/contact – and how can I change my own behaviour? Are there invisible rules, unspoken accusations, frequent withdrawal without any explainable reason?
• Talk to outsiders: Friends, family or a neutral coach/therapist often have a clearer view because they are less emotionally involved.
• Set and observe your own boundaries: How does the other person react when I express my wishes or needs? Is there emotional blackmail, withdrawal or (indirect) pressure?
• Inform yourself and recognise patterns: Awareness of narcissistic and co-dependent dynamics often grows through reading and engaging with the topic – only by comparing typical experiences and relationship patterns does the light bulb moment occur: ‘This is not just my insecurity, it is a pattern that many people experience!’

Those who are connected to vulnerable narcissists often only realise in retrospect how deeply their own behaviour and self-image were determined by subtle manipulation, excessive consideration and creeping self-denial.

The most important resource is to take your own feelings seriously and — ideally with professional support — ask yourself questions such as:

• How much energy does this relationship cost me?
• Is my own well-being permanently at risk?
• Can I be critical without offending the other person?

Often, it is only this conscious process that reveals the dynamics and opens the way to healthy boundaries and more self-care.

Myths and facts: Vulnerable narcissism

Myth 1: Vulnerable narcissism is harmless because it is not loud and arrogant.

Fact: It is precisely the quiet form of narcissistic patterns that has an enormous and profound influence on the well-being of the other person. The injuries are subtle but lasting and, in my experience, very often lead to post-traumatic stress disorder.

Myth 2: Only conspicuous, self-obsessed people are narcissistic.

Fact: Vulnerable narcissism manifests itself as insecurity, withdrawal, neediness or exaggerated harmony and control – and thus remains easily undetected.

Myth 3: People who are vulnerable or shy cannot be narcissists.

Fact: Vulnerable, overly conformist or shy people in particular may have developed narcissistic defence mechanisms – usually in response to early attachment or self-esteem issues.

Myth 4: Narcissistic patterns are ‘incurable’.

Fact: Narcissistic patterns in the classic sense often cannot be completely ‘cured’ or even disappear entirely – especially if they are deeply rooted and stem from early defence mechanisms. But: Change and development are possible!

With genuine self-awareness, reflective guidance and trauma-sensitive work, people can learn to perceive their patterns more consciously and thus deal with them differently, provided that they are recognised – and accepted.

It is also clear that for some, it remains a lifelong learning process that can involve setbacks. And not everyone wants or is able to follow this path. Healing here often does not mean ‘getting rid of it’, but rather finding a friendlier, more realistic way of dealing with one’s own issues – and becoming aware of one’s own patterns.

For relatives, the following applies: listen to your gut feeling, inform yourself and, above all, (learn) healthy boundaries in order to break out of the unhealthy cycle of disappointment and hope and end the dysfunctional dynamic.

Myth 5: If you are dealing with a vulnerable narcissist, you just need to show enough love or understanding, and then eventually everything will be ‘fine’.

Fact: This only contributes to your own exhaustion. Here it is important to see your own part in it: ‘Why am I letting this happen to me?’ Healing and change only begin when clear boundaries, self-care and, if necessary, professional help are your priority.

Myth 6: It is weak to seek help – or to leave relationships in which you are suffering.

Fact: Seeking help or standing up for yourself is a sign of strength and healthy self-responsibility! It takes courage to question old patterns and break new ground (on your own path to healing).

Are you affected as a partner or relative? I would be happy to accompany you on your personal journey.

Please bear in mind that this is not a sprint, but a process that usually requires time, patience and inner readiness.

Especially when it comes to deeper issues, old trauma patterns or family entanglements, a genuine commitment to this process is required. Individual sessions can provide valuable impetus – but for lasting, profound change, you need to be willing to embark on your own journey and to keep looking.

If you can imagine this path for yourself, I will gladly support you with all my experience and my professional and personal perspective on what can bring you back from paralysis and powerlessness to connection and self-efficacy.

For me, the start of this process is always an initial counselling session. This is more than just an introductory meeting: we take the time together to thoroughly review your medical history, your concerns, your story, and also to identify initial ideas that you can immediately put into practice. After the session, you will receive detailed documentation. This gives you real added value from the very first moment – and provides clarity about what the next steps might look like.

Transparency is important to me: the initial session is always binding – a first session in which you really get something out of it, with no hidden costs. We take this step consciously. And after the first session, you can decide at your leisure whether and how you want to continue.

Click here to book your first session.

I look forward to meeting you.