Beyond Anger: Exploring anger synonyms that persist

Anger synonyms. The anger that remains.

Hannah is in her mid-thirties, fun-loving and has always been very straightforward. She and Mirko have been a couple for five years. Things are going really well, actually. But in the last six months she has been feeling strange – something is wrong, she can feel it. But what? When she asks Mirko, nothing comes. For him – he says – everything is fine. He doesn’t express any dissatisfaction, nothing. Maybe it’s the new job: lots of business trips and just a lot of work.

By coincidence, Hannah receives a message. She can’t do anything with it. It’s from a woman. ANOTHER woman. Hannah is completely shocked: What’s going on here? Why is she writing to another woman? And why is she pregnant, with her Mirko’s child?

When Hannah confronts Mirko, he just laughs. What she sees is a ghost! It can’t be, he doesn’t even know this woman. She should calm down. It’s probably a misunderstanding. There are lots of Mirkos…

Hannah is restless. She no longer trusts the whole thing. At night, when she cannot sleep, she sits thoughtfully in the living room. On the desk lies a huge pile of Mirko’s documents from his last business trip. One document stands out from the pile: a birth certificate! With the parents Mirko and… this other woman, Andrea! Born five months ago…

Hannah feels an overwhelming rage. She has been cheated on! This has been going on for a long time, right before her eyes. Lies and deception.

That was three years ago. The rage is still there…

These kinds of stories happen in real life. Whatever the trigger for such behaviour was or is (usually one’s own traumas), this is about the feeling of angry rage.

• ‘Anger is bad.’
• ‘Anger is a negative feeling.’
• ‘Don’t show that you are angry under any circumstances!’

These are statements from people I have the honour to work with. Anger is not good. It is definitely negative and must be ‘removed’ and fought. Society attributes these characteristics to it. It is ‘unacceptable’.

But what is it really, this rage?

The psychologist Paul Ekman originally identified six basic emotions that can be observed in people across cultures. He later added contempt to this list. Everyone is surely familiar with these basic emotions:

• Joy: Perceived as positive
• Sadness: Signals loss or disappointment
• Fear: Protective emotion that alerts us to danger
• Disgust: Protection against food or situations that could potentially be harmful
• Surprise: Emotion at something unexpected
• Anger: Reaction to threatening and perceived injustices

Anger is therefore – quite normally – one of the basic emotions of humans. It is only because of our conditioning to ‘negative’ that we perceive anger as ‘bad’. In truth, however, it is a normal reaction of our nervous system to ‘threat’, for example also to injustice or perceived injustice. This in turn depends on the individual assessment of a situation.

A sample work-related scenario

Anna works in a team that is involved in an important project. For weeks, she has been putting in a lot of overtime and commitment to meet deadlines and successfully complete the project. Her colleague Tom, who is also part of the team, only does the bare minimum and holds back completely because he is not interested in the project. At the end of the quarter, Tom, who at least gave the presentation, is recognised for his achievements and receives a promotion, while Anna goes completely unrecognised.

Anna’s emotional response.

1. Perception: injustice: Anna feels completely neglected and perceives the entire situation as unjust. She feels that her work is not being seen and/or appreciated. Her annoyance, and later her anger, arises from the feeling that she is being treated unfairly.
2. Conditioned evaluation: Although anger is a natural response to this perceived injustice, Anna has learned that anger is bad and that she may be seen as unprofessional if she gives in to her emotion. This conditioning causes her to suppress her anger.
3. Function of anger: Anger signals to Anna that her needs for recognition and fairness are not being met. Anger mobilises energy to express needs that were not previously clearly shown or expressed. But anger also shows where boundaries have been crossed, and these boundaries must now be defended.
4. Individual assessment: Anna’s reaction depends heavily on her individual assessment of the situation: Did she perhaps not make her skills clear? Did she let others go first? Does she want to be ‘discovered’ and is she unconsciously acting out an old trauma from her childhood?

Beneath the anger lies the sadness.

Christine Rudolph, HP for Psychotherapy, Polyvagal Trauma- and Systemic Therapist

What does suppressed anger do?

When anger is suppressed, it is usually learned behaviour. Learned means that children are already being told that they have to hold back, not show their needs (‘modesty is a virtue.’) or that it is ‘very bad’ when they get angry because then grandma will be very sad (for example). In addition to the suppression of a completely normal emotion, guilt and shame are also created. Of course, a child does not want to make anyone sad – so at some point they become sad themselves…

All these behaviours were usually passed on. At some point they are so internalised that they become part of the personality. Anger is suppressed because it is ‘bad’ and I will lose the community if I get so angry (in evolutionary terms, the group meant security – and nobody wants to lose that). Furthermore, I am not allowed to express my needs clearly, because who knows if the others will not distance themselves from me then…? (Ditto the group).

This leads – quite unconsciously – to behaviours that people ‘train’ themselves in order to fit in with the group (partner/work etc.) and not to lose their security. They bend more and more, and then wonder why they eventually burn out or break down.

So what happens when anger is suppressed?

Effects of suppressed anger

If Anna suppresses her anger, this can have negative consequences in various ways:

• Emotional stress: Suppressed anger accumulates over time and leads to emotional stress, frustration, helplessness or resignation.
• Physical health: Persistent emotional stress manifests itself physically in silent inflammation and the body can become ‘sour’, for example as increased blood pressure, headaches or sleep disorders and digestive problems (and if unresolved over the years, can lead to more profound problems).
• Mental well-being: Constantly suppressing emotions has a negative impact on our general mental well-being. It can increase our susceptibility to depression or anxiety
• Relationships with other people: Unspoken anger often manifests itself in passive-aggressive behaviour
• Motivation and performance: Our inner motivation and performance decrease

Effects of open communication (= unrepressed anger)

Expressing anger or even rage openly can be challenging, especially if you have been taught differently. Furthermore, most companies and individuals are not attuned to clarity and open communication (because they themselves have been ‘taught’ that it is best not to say anything).

When Anna expresses her anger constructively, it may look like this:

• Clarity and communication: By communicating her feelings and needs clearly and respectfully, Anna can clear up misunderstandings and foster a more open, honest relationship with her manager and colleagues.
• Emotional relief: Expressing her anger helps Anna to release emotional pressure
• Improved working conditions: If Anna addresses the problem openly, she could potentially bring about changes, possibly for other team members as well
• Personal growth: dealing with her anger and having the courage to express it strengthens Anna’s self-confidence and conflict resolution skills
• Promoting respect: expressing emotions clearly and constructively should lead to respect in a healthy company system, since professional challenges are addressed in a mature and solution-oriented way

Anger is meaningful

In our lives, anger has an equal place alongside emotions such as joy or fear. Evolutionarily, anger also has a very clear purpose.

Protective mechanism

• Function of self-defence: From an evolutionary perspective, anger is closely linked to the ‘fight-or-flight’ response of our nervous system. It mobilises energy and resources to respond to a potential threat or injustice. In situations where our physical or emotional boundaries are violated, anger can protect us by driving us to defend our position.
• Taking action: Anger motivates us to act. When we feel threatened or treated unfairly, it gives us the impetus to take action. Whether it is by defending one’s rights, it can be a motor for change. The question is whether we do it – or suppress it again (‘you’re not allowed to do that…’) – out of a need for security and ‘for the sake of peace’.

Alarm signal

• Indicator of unmet needs: anger often indicates that important needs remain unmet or that boundaries are being crossed or that our values are being trampled.

What has saddened you?

But above all, it is worth looking behind it: what lies beneath the anger?

The sadness of not being seen. The sadness of not belonging. The sadness of not being part of a community. And not being allowed to express any of this. ‘Boys don’t cry!’ ‘Don’t show any weakness!’ ‘Don’t make yourself vulnerable!’

And with that, usually the memory that it was already like that as a child: the feeling of sadness. Because you were not allowed to play along. Or because you looked different. Or because it was not allowed. Because you experienced betrayal or emotional abuse. Because you felt ‘wrong’, ashamed, because you thought you were to blame.

Often these experiences as a child were traumatically. Not belonging is deeply engraved in our brains, because it was our earliest chance of survival in evolutionary terms: belonging – being part of a group.

Anger: What´s healthy?

There is a fine line between healthy and unhealthy anger. This workshop will explore the different forms of expression and the effects on our lives and those of our fellow human beings.

Healthy expression of anger

• Follow your intuition and ‘body wisdom’: If you sense that ‘something is not right’ or ‘this is not working’ – then trust your body and address it clearly
• Set limits: Set your limits (No is a complete sentence!) and address problems openly without being hurtful or destructive
• Clear communication: Communicate clearly what is bothering you, with a view to possible solutions
• I-messages: Express how you feel instead of making accusations. ‘I don’t feel valued.’ instead of ‘You have/You are…’

Unhealthy expression of anger

• Impulsive and uncontrolled anger: Unhealthy anger often manifests itself in impulsive reactions that are hurtful or destructive. This form of anger can lead to verbal or even physical outbursts that damage relationships and personal reputation.
• Passive-aggressive repressed anger: There is also the other side of unhealthy anger, which comes in the form of repressed anger. This can manifest itself in passive-aggressive behaviour or physical symptoms such as stress-related illnesses if the emotions are not expressed appropriately.
• Chronic anger: When anger becomes a permanent state and occurs disproportionately often or intensely, it can seriously affect both mental and physical well-being. Chronic anger can lead to problems such as anxiety, depression and heart disease.

The anger that remains: when anger refuses to leave

Anger is often raging and explosive in the moment of anger. But if anger does not stop, it is called chronic anger. Anger that is somehow always there subliminally or anger that flares up again and again. Anger that is felt chronically always points to unresolved issues. These are usually age-old issues that have never been resolved and keep coming up, or new issues that ‘scratch’ the old wound.

• Unresolved conflicts: Anger can persist if conflicts are not resolved. This often happens in (toxic) relationships or work situations where issues remain unspoken .
• Unprocessed traumas: Past traumatic experiences that have not been fully processed can cause ongoing anger, often accompanied by feelings of powerlessness and injustice.
• Repeated frustration: ongoing frustration with repetitive problems, such as injustice or a lack of success, can lead to deeply rooted anger.
• Suppressed emotions: repeatedly repressing anger instead of expressing it constructively can lead to chronic resentment or resentment, as the unresolved emotional energy remains in the body and mind.

Behind the anger lies the sadness

Sadness. It is the emotion behind raging anger.

Sadness is quiet and often associated with shame. It makes us feel small and helpless, while anger makes us feel big and powerful. Sadness shows us that we have lost something or are disappointed (the end of deception). Often we are dis-appointed in what we have promised ourselves or the world.

Emotional healing can happen when we see our sadness, allow it and feel it. Feeling brings us back into contact with our body and our desires, while anger disconnects us from them. Allowing sadness is healing. Authenticity. We become more ‘inconceivable’, more human. Perhaps for the first time we consciously see our true needs and desires.

Rage/Anger – an Ayurvedic perspective

In Ayurveda = the wisdom of life – anger is seen as an expression of an imbalance in the Pitta dosha. Pitta represents the fire element in the body, and when it is in balance, it ensures a sharp mind, determination and a healthy appetite. However, too much Pitta can lead to excessive heat in the body, which manifests itself in the form of irritability, anger and rage. In such cases, Ayurveda speaks of the need to use ‘fire extinguishers’ to calm the inner fire and restore balance. These fire extinguishers include both physical and emotional practices:

• A cooling, Pitta-reducing diet with foods like cucumbers, melons and coconuts
• Calming activities like meditation, gentle yoga practice and nature walks to cool the mind
• Herbs like brahmi and chamomile can also be supportive

Nutrition-based fire extinguishers

• Cooling foods: Incorporate more cooling foods into your diet, such as salads, melons, cucumbers, coconut and zucchini, which help to reduce internal heat.
• Avoiding spicy foods: Reduce your intake of spicy, sour and salty foods, as they can fuel Pitta. Instead, favour sweet, bitter and astringent tastes.
• Hydration: Stay well-hydrated with cool drinks like coconut water or herbal teas that are refreshing and soothing.
• Spices: Use cooling spices like coriander, fennel and cardamom, which balance Pitta and aid digestion.

Nervous system-based fire extinguishers

• Meditation: Practising meditation regularly can help to calm the mind and find inner peace by promoting awareness and consciousness.
• Gentle yoga: Practice calming yoga poses, such as gentle forward bends and twisting poses, to cool the body and mind.
• Walks in nature: Spend time in nature, especially in green, shady environments, to take advantage of the calming effect of the surroundings and to dissipate negative energies.
• Breathing exercises (pranayama): Incorporate cooling breathing techniques such as Sheetali or Nadi Shodhana to reduce inner heat and centre the mind.

Herb-based fire extinguishing agents

• Brahmi: Use brahmi as a tea or supplement to promote mental clarity and calmness, as it is considered to be soothing to the nerves.
• Chamomile: Drink chamomile tea regularly, which not only calms the mind but also has an anti-inflammatory effect and balances the mind.
• Amla: Use amla, a rich source of vitamin C, which has an antioxidant effect and reduces Pitta.
• Ashwagandha: Consider using ashwagandha, which is known for its balancing properties and support in reducing stress.

Lifestyle fire extinguishers

• Regular breaks: consciously plan moments of rest and relaxation into your daily routine to counteract overexertion and the heating of Pitta.
• Organised work routine: try to work in a cool, quiet room and take breaks when you feel hot or when stress levels are rising.
• Healthy sleep: get enough restorative sleep (at least 7-8 hours) to recharge your mind and body.

Combining these ‘fire extinguishers’ creates an internal climate change that not only calms anger, but also addresses the underlying causes that fuel this emotion, such as unconscious sadness or unfulfilled needs.

How do I deal with the anger?

Anger is an emotion – and it is in your body. In your cells. It is an energy that floods your nervous system. Anger as energy must be allowed to flow out in order to bring your entire system back into a balanced energy. So the first thing to do is to take it seriously. It is allowed to be there. It shows you something important. Just allowing this is the first step towards accepting yourself. And that – is healing.

Initial emergency measures

To get rid of this excess energy without hurting anyone (including yourself), you can:

• Get out the punch bag!
• Or: Punch the pillow
• Do the movements your body wants to do – for yourself (dance wildly to loud music or punch the air)
• Go into the forest and scream!

When the initial anger has faded

Once your nervous system has relaxed a bit, it is important to ‘transform’ the remaining intense energy. It is important to remember: even if you really want to, because you think it’s best: no forced walking! No marathons! No ‘too much’ running, workouts and co. No ‘violence’ against yourself. Why? Because that’s what will raise your energy level and flood your nervous system with cortisol (stress!). Slow down. Relaxed running. Nice walks. Take your time. And space.

• Physical exercise – walking, dancing, running, yoga…
• Earth and feel your body: barefoot in the forest, on the beach, in the meadow
• Therapeutic approaches: EMDR and polyvagal and systemic therapy
• Reflections: What is behind my anger? Where did I say yes even though I wanted to say no? Which of my boundaries have been crossed? Why did I allow that?
• Music: Safe and Sound Protocol for nervous system balance as part of therapy

Transforming anger

It takes time to process things. And a recalibration of your focus. So just do something you’ve always loved doing (even if it’s hard). Or do or learn something completely new! This will shift your focus to a new ‘superhighway’ for your thoughts. I know it’s hard at first. And it may take discipline. But it helps.

• Get creative: experiment with colours, paint stones, draw and write
• Anger as a motor for change: how do I want to live from now on? What will that look like?

I am Christine, a complementary therapist for psychotherapy, polyvagal trauma and nervous system therapist with a focus on highly functional and highly sensitive people with depression, burnout or addictive behaviour.

Are you struggling with your anger? Then this way.

I look forward to welcoming you.